Fake It 'Til You Make It: I

It may be a while before you can afford Lanvin and Balenciaga. In fact, it's going to be a REALLY long time. We're not sure if that temp job is going to turn permanent just yet. So during the interim, you have to make your wardrobe sing on the tiniest shoestring of a budget.

So what to wear to all of these rooftop summer get-togethers? Mr. Mannerz thinks it's always a good idea to keep it simple when buying non-high end items. Keep colors solid and shapes refined. No need for jingling and jangling. Here's an option you may want to consider:

1. Norma Kamali batwing cardigan ($18 at Wal-Mart)

2. BDG silk tunic ($48 at Urban Outfitters)

3. BDG Super Stretchy Cigarette Ankle Pant ($49 at Urban Outfitters)

4. Mossimo Petrova Gladiator sandal ($29.99 at Target)

5. Kimchi Blue Tie-Dye clutch ($29.99 at Urban Outfitters)

Use Big Words Carefully: Word of the Day

ze·nith

n.

1. The point of culmination; the peak.

Example: Mr. Mannerz hopes to reach his zenith within the next two years. Read his blog...please.

Who Designed Me?

The rooftop party invites are piling up. Soon you're going to have to learn the art of picking and choosing. Mr. Mannerz would hope that your host or hostess would have impeccable taste in furniture. IKEA is acceptable...until the nicks and scratches and bumps start coming. Mr. Mannerz is thinking more along the lines of Charles and Ray Eames, Le Corbusier, and Ludwig Mies van der Rohe. If you really want to impress your host and dispel the crackhead/street corner rumors surrounding you, act like you know what refined design is. Let's start with the most iconic chair in the history of design:

a. Ettore Jay: Bibendum chair

b. Eileen Gray: E 1020 chair and ottoman

c. Charles and Ray Eames: Lounge chair and ottoman

d. Marcel Breuer: Wassily chair and stool

Use Big Words Carefully: Word of the Day

gar·ish

adj.

1. Marked by strident color or excessive ornamentation; gaudy.

Example: Mr. Mannerz adores his sister, despite her garish interior decorating sense.

Who Dat? Cocktail Party Primer XIV

Remember, Mr. Mannerz doesn't just hand over the answer. Multiple choice, of course.

a. Jacqueline Simpson: Atlanta and New York based entertainment lawyer

b. Naomi Murphy: Screenwriter and film producer based in LA

c. Lorna Simpson: Brooklyn based artist and photographer

d. Helena Lopes: Chair of Women's Studies at Columbia University

Use Big Words Carefully: Word of the Day

gen·ial

adj.

1. Having a pleasant or friendly disposition or manner.

Example: Mr. Mannerz's ultimate goal is bring out any genial qualities his crystal meth addicted pupils may possess.

What Am I: Art X

We're almost at a month with this blogged finishing school, my dearest crackhead. I know you continue to dabble in "the stuff" on occasion with your lowlife, good for nothing friends despite my urging you to do otherwise. At least stay off "the stuff" during museum hours. Heaven forbid you confuse the Mona Lisa with La belle ferronnière.

a. Portrait of a Seated Lady by John Singleton Coply

b. Whistler's Mother by James Abbott McNeill Whistler

c. That's My Mama! by Randy Watson

d. Self Portrait by Grandma Moses

He(e Hee) Will Be Missed: Remembering Michael Jackson

Mr. Mannerz can remember the first time he was privy to the sounds of the King of Pop. Two words: Epcot Center. Two more words: Captain EO. Picture it: Disney theme park in Orlando. 1987. Young boy-about-town visiting his senile grandmother at her retirement village in Kissimee, Florida. He convinces her to take him on her church trip to the house that Mickey built. But because he wants bigger, more intellectual thrills than the Magic Kingdom has to offer, he opts for Epcot Center.

For the most part, I was bored out of my mind with the attractions at the park. But then came the gloved one. I can't remember much of the film—lots of George Lucasy types of laser beams and zingy sound effects. It wasn't Star Wars...hell, it wasn't even Roller Boogie, but Mr. Jackson left an indelible mark on Mr. Mannerz.

Mr. Jackson, you will be remembered for your orginal style, you wonderful loafers, marvelous sequined gloves, beautiful afro, juicy Jheri curl, and (un)believable lace front weave. No one will ever be able to replace you: not Justin, Usher, Neyo, or your nephews 3T. You were one in a million Miguel. Mr. Mannerz loves you forever and always.

Use Big Words Carefully: Word of the Day

ob·fus·cate

v.

1. To make so confused or opaque as to be difficult to perceive or understand.

Example: Mr. Mannerz's makes a great effort not to obfuscate the dreadful effects of frequent meth use.

Who Dat? Cocktail Primer XIII

Remember, Mr. Mannerz doesn't just hand over the answer. Multiple choice, of course.



a. Paul Thomas Anderson: Director of Boogie Nights and There Will Be Blood

b. Bert Hill: Author of Article 23 and Cutter and Bone

c. Charlie Ahearn: Director of classic hip hop film Wild Style

d. James Evans: Back-to-nature advocate and columnist for the New York Times

What Am I: Art IX

It's been weeks since you've joined Mr. Mannerz on a quest to for self-enlightenment. I've been schooling you on the finer things in life and I hope you're following along. I really do. That crystal meth and low-life way of being will get you nowhere—FAST. By now you should be able to differentiate between fine art and couch art, right?

a. The Girl With the Blue Scarf by Titian

b. Girl With a Pearl Earring by Vermeer

c. The Gaze by Rembrandt

d. Seated Girl by Caravaggio

Act Live You've Got Sense III

Don't automatically assume that the only two Asian friends you have are perfect for each other. You know when you tell Haru that you have just the right girl for him? And he makes that weird face every single time? Whenever you have a conversation with him you enjoy bringing up your lone Asian female friend Kameko. And when you tell her about Haru, she does the same thing, but she adds the proverbial eye-roll?  Well, stop doing it. 

Perhaps they're gay. Maybe they don't date other Asians. Maybe they're straight and do prefer Asians but don't want you to meddle in their private affairs. Since they're too polite to tell you to butt out of Asian people's private affairs, Mr. Mannerz will tell you: butt out of your Asian friends private affairs! Besides, your main concern should be getting off of that dreadful meth you still dabble in. 

Use Big Words Carefully: Word of the Day

cal·low

adj.

1. Lacking adult maturity or experience. 

Example: Mr. Mannerz's main aim in life is to school the callow, meth-addicted youth of the world. 

Use Big Words Carefully: Word of the Day

a·bom·i·na·tion

n.

1. Abhorrence; disgust.

2. A cause of abhorrence or disgust.

Example: Mr. Mannerz considers breast tattoos an abomination—especially on a bride.

What Am I: Art VIII

For most of you, you're settling into the work week. Now you can let your coworkers know how much better you are than them by mentioning all of the wonderful works of art you saw over the weekend. While they played beer pong at some boorish bar in Kips Bay, you took advantage of the free admission at various museums in the city. You really make me proud, you know that?

a. Las Mujeres by Gareth Holmes

b. The Two Fridas by Frida Kahlo

c. Storm by Claudia Winters

d. Seated II by Diego Rivera

Who Dat? Cocktail Party Primer XII

Remember, Mr. Mannerz doesn't just hand over the answer. Multiple choice, of course.

a. Vanessa Tyne-Humphreys: D.C. lobbyist and author of several bestsellers on contemporary politics

b. Susan Fales-Hill: Socialite, author, producer, and sitcom writer (The Cosby Show and A Different World)

c. Barbara Taylor-Walsh: CNN anchorwoman on Headline News

d. Denise Nevins-Jones: Restaurateur and Food & Wine columnist

Use Big Words Carefully: Word of the Day

o·bliv·i·ous

n.

1. Lacking all memory; forgetful.

2. Lacking conscious awareness; unmindful.

Example: Mr. Mannerz was utterly oblivious to people staring at his brightly colored sock while he sat on the downtown M5 bus.

What Am I: Art VII

You're probably at the point where you've been able to cut your research down to mere minutes. Not only are you learning about a whole new world, my little crackhead, but you're also perfecting your Google skills.

a. To Be Held by Gareth Holmes

b. Mother Maternal by Susan Phipps

c. Cradled Child by Nora Parker

d. Mother and Child by Romare Bearden

Who Dat? Cocktail Party Primer XI

Remember, Mr. Mannerz doesn't just hand over the answer. Multiple choice, of course.

a. Brad Sellers: Travel photographer for The New York Times magazine

b. Ergun Arman: Turkish fashion photographer; work has appeared in international editions of Vogue and Elle

c. Bailey Hollingsworth: English aristocrat and chief photographer for the House of Windsor

d. Scott Schuman: The Sartorialist—blogger and photographer of streetwear

Use Big Words Carefully: Word of the Day

strin·gent

adj.

1. Imposing rigorous standards of performance; severe.

2. Constricted; tight

Example: Mr. Mannerz found that the best way to get through to his pupils was with a stringent attitude and a firm hand.

What Am I: Art VI

It feels so good knowing I'm making an impact on your life. One day—and I hope this day is in the near future—you will look at your ratty, sheetless mattress and know you deserve better. Here's another important piece I want you to research. You're an exceptional researcher. You found the cheapest dealer a couple of neighborhoods over. So I ask that you exhaust your energy on something more positive.

a. Howard by Meret Oppenheim

b. Barry by Andy Liechtenstein

c. Phil by Chuck Close

d. Bill by Barry Newcombe

Who Dat? Cocktail Party Primer X

Remember, Mr. Mannerz doesn't just hand over the answer. Multiple choice, of course.

a. Becca Cason Thrash: Houston socialite and connoisseur of haute couture (the REAL stuff)

b. Amanda Morris Moore: VP, Director of Merchandising at Neiman Marcus

c. Lydia Baylor Tyne: Palm Beach real estate mogul

d. Theresa Romano Russo: Owner of TR22, a northeastern chain of stores for plus size tweens and teens

Use Big Words Carefully: Word of the Day

mo·rose

adj.

1. Sullenly melancholy; gloomy.

Example: Mr. Mannerz often found himself in a morose state when reruns of Silver Spoons didn't include Alfonso Ribeiro.

What Am I: Art V

By now I hope you've become accustomed to looking at a new piece of important art everyday. Isn't culture so much better than controlled substances? Crystal meth is so overrated. Or so I've be told.

a. Death by Charlotte by Jean-Louis Baptiste

b. The Death of Marat by Jacques-Louis David

c. The Letter by Gabriella Rosetti

d. La Mort de Auguste by Pierre Rainier-Chanel

Who Dat? Cocktail Party Primer IX

Remember, Mr. Mannerz doesn't just hand over the answer. Multiple choice, of course.

a. Nicola Vassell: Director at Deitch Projects

b. Bonnie Morrison: Fashion publicist

c. Malika Connors: Random House chick-lit author of 3 New York Times bestsellers

d. Dina Jameson: Chair of the English department at Barnard

Use Big Words Carefully: Word of the Day

in·fan·til·ize

n.

1. To reduce to an infantile state or condition.
2. To treat or condescend to as if still a young child.

Example: Mr. Mannerz found his former supervisor's patronizing behavior completely infantilizing

What Am I: Art IV

By now I hope you've become accustomed to looking at a new piece of important art everyday. Isn't culture so much better than controlled substances? Crystal meth is so overrated. Or so I've be told.

a. Where There's Smoke... by Chuck Phar

b. Fire by Nancy Lewis

c. Burn by Kara Walker

d. Ignite by Earl Lopes

Who Dat? Cocktail Party Primer VIII

Remember, Mr. Mannerz doesn't just hand over the answer. Multiple choice, of course.

a. David Eisenbach: Historian, media expert, and professor at Columbia University

b. Aaron Bastian: President of men's fashion at Barneys New York

c. Ettore Mendini: Postmodern architect and founding member of the Memphis Group

d. Richard Crowe: Senior political columnist for the International Herald Tribune

Use Big Words Carefully: Word of the Day

tra·jec·to·ry

n.

1. The path of a projectile or other moving body through space.
2. A chosen or taken course.

Example: Mr. Mannerz opted for a different career trajectory than his cow-tipping friends from high school.

Act Like You Know: Cities I

Please don't let it be known that you've never left your hometown before. It's not a good look. But the world doesn't need to know that. Mr. Mannerz is not advocating lying or deception. Mr. Mannerz is more about being vague when it comes to the past...particularly your past (read: controlled substances, bank robbery, accessory to murder, identify theft, shoplifting, insurance fraud, outstanding parking tickets, drug smuggling, embezzlement, kidnapping, grand larceny; etc).

When your boss mentions a trip to Copenhagen or Istanbul he took last year, please keep the visceral ignorant reaction under wraps. As I've done with art and food, I'm going to teach you about travel without you ever having to board that Greyhound bus you used to escape prosecution.

When the next person asks you where you holidayed recently, simply answer, "I was supposed to go to [insert international city here] last winter, but I had to deal with a minor crisis here in [insert city you're currently living in]."

In this series, Mr. Mannerz won't be talking about cities people travel to often, like Paris, London; etc. We need to go down the road less traveled by mediocre Joe Schmos like your boss.





St. Petersburg: One of the world's most beautiful cities, this Russian cradle of culture boasts the State Hermitage Museum and the Mariinsky Theater. You intended on staying at the premier Grand Hotel Europe (5 stars, my dear) and dining at Adamant (not Adam Ant—Adamant, as in "unyielding"). Your days were to consist of strolling along the Neva River and taking in the museums and cafes and your evenings would have involved the opera and White Nights—practically broad daylight for 24 hours. Considered the "Venice of the North", St. Petersburg will eventually be a part of your travel portfolio. And when you go there, please stay away from conspicuous looking men in Matrixesque leather jackets hanging on the street corners. Aren't you tired of that life?

What Am I: Art III

Moving right along. Mr. Mannerz is really pleased with your progress. In just a week's time, you've learned about art, fashion, food, how to pronounce certain words and what not to say to your ethnic friends. By the time you decide to take a trip to the Hermitage or the Getty, you'll be an art historian...of sorts.

a. The Child's Bath by Mary Cassatt

b. Gentle Feet by John Singer Sargent

c. Quiet Time by Marie Constantin

d. Le Bath Avec Maman by Robert Henri

Who Dat? Cocktail Party Primer VII

Remember, Mr. Mannerz doesn't just hand over the answer. Multiple choice, of course.


a. Eliza Drury: Host of an eponymous chat show in the UK

b. Rose Deveraux: Harper Collins mystery author of over thirty books

c. Glenda Bailey: Editor-in-chief of Harper's Bazaar

d. Victoria Stillwell: Australian fashion designer based in New York

Use Big Words Carefully: Word of the Day

soup·çon

n.

1. A very small amount; a trace

Example: Mr. Mannerz employed a soupçon of grace when dealing with his formerly drug-addicted pupils.

What Am I: Food I

My precious, little dreg of society. For some time now you've been going to various restaurants (with napkins made of natural fibers, of course) and ordering food you're barely able to pronounce. Since my goal is to avoid embarrassment for the both of us, I want to prepare you for situations that don't involve menus.

The time will soon come when you're invited to a posh dinner party and your hostess may present you with some funny looking edibles. Fret not, we'll go over the basics and you'll be prepared for anything a true gourmand will send your way.


Here's a quick quiz. You know Mr. Mannerz can't resist a quiz—but this time, I'll give you the answer. Is the above dish:


a. Coq au vin

b. Fettucine alfredo

c. Sundubu jjigae

d. Bouillabaisse


The answer is d: bouillabaisse. The traditional Provençal fish stew is something your hostess whips up to convince herself and her guests that she's the reincarnated Julia Child. The dish is comprised of ingredients that have never touched your lips: fennel, saffron, pain de campagne, sea urchins, lotte; etc. The closest you've come to bouillabaisse so far is a fishstick.

What Am I: Art II

Mr. Mannerz is wishing on a star that you've taken a trip to your local museum and/or gallery. Truly, if you plan to leave that crystal meth past behind you, you must move forward in a more refined manner. The best way to feel better about yourself and to make others feel less than is to get your art bearings. As was the case with the last installment of What Am I: Art, we're covering more iconic artwork first.

a. Under Construction by Richard Hamilton

b. The Builders by Jacob Lawrence

c. The Great Migration by Elizabeth Catlett

d. Family by Romare Bearden

Act Like You've Got Sense III

Please don't assume that all of your Latino friends use Goya Adobo. That's akin to assuming that all of your African-American friends can't resist the thrill of hot sauce or that all of your Asian-American friends couldn't live without the tang of soy sauce or the kick of chutney. You've been doing so well. Don't backslide now.

Who Dat? Cocktail Party Primer VI

Remember, Mr. Mannerz doesn't just hand over the answer. Multiple choice, of course.


a. Ronan Tynan: Former member of the Irish Tenors

b. Dave Eggers: Writer (Sacrament), editor, and publisher (McSweeney's)

c. Sean Avery: Left winger for the New York Rangers and former Vogue intern

d. Tom Thornton: Syndicated gossip columnist

Use Big Words Carefully: Word of the Day

nu·ance

n.

1. A subtle or slight degree of difference, as in meaning, feeling, or tone; a gradation.

2. Expression or appreciation of subtle shades of meaning, feeling, or tone: a rich artistic performance, full of nuance.

Example: Although Mr. Mannerz adores Neil Labute's plays, he doesn't always understand the nuance of his characters.

ACT LIKE YOU KNOW: ACRONYMS

Now that you have a proper desk job, you're boss may use certain lingo that you've never heard in your life. Sure, you're becoming used to LMAO, WTF, and SMH. But there are other letters of greater importance. As always, Mr. Mannerz wants to prepare you for the near future.




Let's start off with the definition first. An acronym is an abbreviation formed when using the first initial of a series of words. Below is a list (in no particular order) of acronyms you ought to know.

EPCOT-Experimental Prototype Community of Tomorrow. Your deadbeat dad was supposed to take you to Epcot Center back in '89. Up until last year you were still sitting on the curb waiting for him to pull up in his cool Camaro. He loved that car more than he loved you. And that' s why you're here with me now. It's a dreadful shame.

PIN-Personal Identification Number. You should know this one quite well. Let's not forget all of the pin numbers you memorized when you borrowed your mother's and sister's debit cards.

USA-United States of America. This is where you currently reside.

DNA-Deoxyribonucleic Acid. Remember when you were busted for aggravated assault and armed robbery but denied it. This is how they were able to prove that you were there.

SAT-Scholastic Achievement (or Aptitude) Test. You skipped out on this one several times because you slept through an entire weekend.

CEO-Chief Executive Officer. She's the woman who looks directly through you on the elevator on the way to the top floor (that's where the executive suites are—your boss won't be moving there any time soon).

COO-Chief Operating Officer. He's the guy who is good friends with the CEO, has his own office, but no one really knows what he does. He likes ogling the inappropriately dressed interns.

DAR-Daughters of the American Revolution. Membership is open to women who can prove lineal bloodline descent from an ancestor who aided in achieving United States independence. You don't have to worry about rubbing shoulders with them just yet...or maybe ever, I'm afraid.

MoMA-Museum of Modern Art. You think that you went there once a field trip or something with your sixth grade class (right around the time your deadbeat dad abandoned you for his Camaro). It's good practice for that art opening we discussed earlier. Friday afternoons offer free admission. I suggest you forget about your friend's band gig for a couple of Fridays. They never start on time and they're not that good anyway. MoMA can do more for your metamorphosis.

ASAP-As Soon As Possible. This military acronym has made its way into the mainstream. Perhaps you could use a little military training yourself. It worked wonders for Judy Benjamin.

Who Dat? Cocktail Party Primer V

Remember, Mr. Mannerz doesn't just hand over the answer. Multiple choice, of course.


a. Monique Brown: Television and radio personality

b. Thelma Golden: Director and curator of the Studio Museum in Harlem

c. Sharon Dacosta: Neurosurgeon and Director of Pediatric Neurosurgery at Johns Hopkins Hospital

d. Judith Jamison: Artistic Director of the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater

What's the Scenario? Art Opening

Okay my sweet little recovering meth heads, dope fiends, and crack addicts. It's almost been a week since you've boarded the Mr. Mannerz Finishing School bus. Hopefully you've placed the tin foil and pipe aside in order to make space for more culture and refinement.



You've been attending cocktail parties left and right, dining at non-chain restaurants with napkins made out of natural fibers, and you've brushed up on your classic literature. Now it's time for the ubiquitous summer art opening. Whether you're in Chelsea or SoHo, you need to know what to say, what to wear, and how to carry yourself.

First, you need to wear something that screams creative without being too cliché. Vintage 80s Japanese anything (No Yohji. No Rei. No Issey.) is absolutely out of the question. Leave that to people already in the know. It'll look like a mere costume when you wear it. For you, only baby steps. Here's a complete outfit you guys AND dolls. Dolls first:

The crocodile vest is by Rick Owens and retails for $11,415. The drop-crotch pants are from Alexander McQueen's diffusion line McQ. You may purchase them for only $270. And those red brogues are by Church's. Yes, one could consider them ugly, but artsy people adore ugly clothes. They feel more intellectual and above-it-all in ugly clothes. Get them for $470. Now you're saying, "Mr. Mannerz, I can't afford over $12,000 in clothing."

My dear, you spent that (and more) easily on your little addiction in under two weeks at one point. Plus, who can say no to a crocodile vest? This look says I'm not trying too hard, when Lord knows you and everyone else in the gallery is trying harder than you've ever tried in your life. Remember, most of the people attending the opening were (or are) on controlled substances as well. But they're more into cocaine or prescription drugs, not lowbrow meth or whack crack.

Oh, and there's no need for a handbag. In fact, you shouldn't carry bags for a while my little recovering klepto.

Ok gents. You're up! You, sir, don't have to try nearly as hard as the girls. Disheveled miraculously works for you. Let about 2.5 days worth of stubble grow in. Don't wash your hair for the same amount of time. And skip a bath every other day for a week. The right odor needs to emit from your filthy pores. As far as what to wear, that's simple enough:
















The gold jeans are by Dior Homme and cost $450 (on sale from $750—an absolute steal!). The Acne Jeans shirt retails for $72. Make sure you lay it on your tattered mattress and jump around on it a bit. You want to achieve the perfect rolled-out-of-bed look. The cougars go wild for that—makes you appear vulnerable and brings out their maternal instincts. You see, the cougar's son is away at med school making something of himself. She feels useless. And now, with all of the Botox floating around, an older woman is just as smooth and shiny as a gal your age—and richer! Finally, the Opening Ceremony leather trim sneakers come out to be $116 (down from $290).

All of the above six items can be purchased at eLuxury with your credit card. Not your mother's credit card that she left in her wallet in her purse in her closet under lock and key that you happened to accidentally stumble upon. Not your coworker's credit card either. She has that locked up in her filing cabinet. And then again, you don't have to buy these exact items. There are plenty of similar items to be had at these stores that cater to the junior crowd. You know what I'm talking about.

Now, how to act. Say very little. When you look at people, stare at them with a crazy intensity. It will make you appear deeper than you really are. Also, when looking at one of the pieces of artwork that make absolutely no sense, take extra long. It will seem as though you're analyzing it. If some busybody should happen to lean over your shoulder and ask if you get what the artist is trying to say, simply crack a smug smile and be on your way. This will make them feel stupid and you feel smart. There's no need to bring up Les Desmoiselles d'Avignon. It's the only piece of art I've shown you. Give it a year's time before you start discussing specific pieces.

Remember, Mr. Mannerz is only trying to protect you from embarrassing yourself in public.