You've been attending cocktail parties left and right, dining at non-chain restaurants with napkins made out of natural fibers, and you've brushed up on your classic literature. Now it's time for the ubiquitous summer art opening. Whether you're in Chelsea or SoHo, you need to know what to say, what to wear, and how to carry yourself.
First, you need to wear something that screams creative without being too cliché. Vintage 80s Japanese anything (No Yohji. No Rei. No Issey.) is absolutely out of the question. Leave that to people already in the know. It'll look like a mere costume when you wear it. For you, only baby steps. Here's a complete outfit you guys AND dolls. Dolls first:
The crocodile vest is by Rick Owens and retails for $11,415. The drop-crotch pants are from Alexander McQueen's diffusion line McQ. You may purchase them for only $270. And those red brogues are by Church's. Yes, one could consider them ugly, but artsy people adore ugly clothes. They feel more intellectual and above-it-all in ugly clothes. Get them for $470. Now you're saying, "Mr. Mannerz, I can't afford over $12,000 in clothing."
My dear, you spent that (and more) easily on your little addiction in under two weeks at one point. Plus, who can say no to a crocodile vest? This look says I'm not trying too hard, when Lord knows you and everyone else in the gallery is trying harder than you've ever tried in your life. Remember, most of the people attending the opening were (or are) on controlled substances as well. But they're more into cocaine or prescription drugs, not lowbrow meth or whack crack.
Oh, and there's no need for a handbag. In fact, you shouldn't carry bags for a while my little recovering klepto.
Ok gents. You're up! You, sir, don't have to try nearly as hard as the girls. Disheveled miraculously works for you. Let about 2.5 days worth of stubble grow in. Don't wash your hair for the same amount of time. And skip a bath every other day for a week. The right odor needs to emit from your filthy pores. As far as what to wear, that's simple enough:
The gold jeans are by Dior Homme and cost $450 (on sale from $750—an absolute steal!). The Acne Jeans shirt retails for $72. Make sure you lay it on your tattered mattress and jump around on it a bit. You want to achieve the perfect rolled-out-of-bed look. The cougars go wild for that—makes you appear vulnerable and brings out their maternal instincts. You see, the cougar's son is away at med school making something of himself. She feels useless. And now, with all of the Botox floating around, an older woman is just as smooth and shiny as a gal your age—and richer! Finally, the Opening Ceremony leather trim sneakers come out to be $116 (down from $290).
All of the above six items can be purchased at eLuxury with your credit card. Not your mother's credit card that she left in her wallet in her purse in her closet under lock and key that you happened to accidentally stumble upon. Not your coworker's credit card either. She has that locked up in her filing cabinet. And then again, you don't have to buy these exact items. There are plenty of similar items to be had at these stores that cater to the junior crowd. You know what I'm talking about.
Now, how to act. Say very little. When you look at people, stare at them with a crazy intensity. It will make you appear deeper than you really are. Also, when looking at one of the pieces of artwork that make absolutely no sense, take extra long. It will seem as though you're analyzing it. If some busybody should happen to lean over your shoulder and ask if you get what the artist is trying to say, simply crack a smug smile and be on your way. This will make them feel stupid and you feel smart. There's no need to bring up Les Desmoiselles d'Avignon. It's the only piece of art I've shown you. Give it a year's time before you start discussing specific pieces.
Remember, Mr. Mannerz is only trying to protect you from embarrassing yourself in public.
