What Am I: Art X

We're almost at a month with this blogged finishing school, my dearest crackhead. I know you continue to dabble in "the stuff" on occasion with your lowlife, good for nothing friends despite my urging you to do otherwise. At least stay off "the stuff" during museum hours. Heaven forbid you confuse the Mona Lisa with La belle ferronnière.

a. Portrait of a Seated Lady by John Singleton Coply

b. Whistler's Mother by James Abbott McNeill Whistler

c. That's My Mama! by Randy Watson

d. Self Portrait by Grandma Moses

What Am I: Art IX

It's been weeks since you've joined Mr. Mannerz on a quest to for self-enlightenment. I've been schooling you on the finer things in life and I hope you're following along. I really do. That crystal meth and low-life way of being will get you nowhere—FAST. By now you should be able to differentiate between fine art and couch art, right?

a. The Girl With the Blue Scarf by Titian

b. Girl With a Pearl Earring by Vermeer

c. The Gaze by Rembrandt

d. Seated Girl by Caravaggio

What Am I: Art VIII

For most of you, you're settling into the work week. Now you can let your coworkers know how much better you are than them by mentioning all of the wonderful works of art you saw over the weekend. While they played beer pong at some boorish bar in Kips Bay, you took advantage of the free admission at various museums in the city. You really make me proud, you know that?

a. Las Mujeres by Gareth Holmes

b. The Two Fridas by Frida Kahlo

c. Storm by Claudia Winters

d. Seated II by Diego Rivera

What Am I: Art VII

You're probably at the point where you've been able to cut your research down to mere minutes. Not only are you learning about a whole new world, my little crackhead, but you're also perfecting your Google skills.

a. To Be Held by Gareth Holmes

b. Mother Maternal by Susan Phipps

c. Cradled Child by Nora Parker

d. Mother and Child by Romare Bearden

What Am I: Art VI

It feels so good knowing I'm making an impact on your life. One day—and I hope this day is in the near future—you will look at your ratty, sheetless mattress and know you deserve better. Here's another important piece I want you to research. You're an exceptional researcher. You found the cheapest dealer a couple of neighborhoods over. So I ask that you exhaust your energy on something more positive.

a. Howard by Meret Oppenheim

b. Barry by Andy Liechtenstein

c. Phil by Chuck Close

d. Bill by Barry Newcombe

What Am I: Art V

By now I hope you've become accustomed to looking at a new piece of important art everyday. Isn't culture so much better than controlled substances? Crystal meth is so overrated. Or so I've be told.

a. Death by Charlotte by Jean-Louis Baptiste

b. The Death of Marat by Jacques-Louis David

c. The Letter by Gabriella Rosetti

d. La Mort de Auguste by Pierre Rainier-Chanel

What Am I: Art IV

By now I hope you've become accustomed to looking at a new piece of important art everyday. Isn't culture so much better than controlled substances? Crystal meth is so overrated. Or so I've be told.

a. Where There's Smoke... by Chuck Phar

b. Fire by Nancy Lewis

c. Burn by Kara Walker

d. Ignite by Earl Lopes

What Am I: Art III

Moving right along. Mr. Mannerz is really pleased with your progress. In just a week's time, you've learned about art, fashion, food, how to pronounce certain words and what not to say to your ethnic friends. By the time you decide to take a trip to the Hermitage or the Getty, you'll be an art historian...of sorts.

a. The Child's Bath by Mary Cassatt

b. Gentle Feet by John Singer Sargent

c. Quiet Time by Marie Constantin

d. Le Bath Avec Maman by Robert Henri

What Am I: Art II

Mr. Mannerz is wishing on a star that you've taken a trip to your local museum and/or gallery. Truly, if you plan to leave that crystal meth past behind you, you must move forward in a more refined manner. The best way to feel better about yourself and to make others feel less than is to get your art bearings. As was the case with the last installment of What Am I: Art, we're covering more iconic artwork first.

a. Under Construction by Richard Hamilton

b. The Builders by Jacob Lawrence

c. The Great Migration by Elizabeth Catlett

d. Family by Romare Bearden

ACT LIKE YOU KNOW: ACRONYMS

Now that you have a proper desk job, you're boss may use certain lingo that you've never heard in your life. Sure, you're becoming used to LMAO, WTF, and SMH. But there are other letters of greater importance. As always, Mr. Mannerz wants to prepare you for the near future.




Let's start off with the definition first. An acronym is an abbreviation formed when using the first initial of a series of words. Below is a list (in no particular order) of acronyms you ought to know.

EPCOT-Experimental Prototype Community of Tomorrow. Your deadbeat dad was supposed to take you to Epcot Center back in '89. Up until last year you were still sitting on the curb waiting for him to pull up in his cool Camaro. He loved that car more than he loved you. And that' s why you're here with me now. It's a dreadful shame.

PIN-Personal Identification Number. You should know this one quite well. Let's not forget all of the pin numbers you memorized when you borrowed your mother's and sister's debit cards.

USA-United States of America. This is where you currently reside.

DNA-Deoxyribonucleic Acid. Remember when you were busted for aggravated assault and armed robbery but denied it. This is how they were able to prove that you were there.

SAT-Scholastic Achievement (or Aptitude) Test. You skipped out on this one several times because you slept through an entire weekend.

CEO-Chief Executive Officer. She's the woman who looks directly through you on the elevator on the way to the top floor (that's where the executive suites are—your boss won't be moving there any time soon).

COO-Chief Operating Officer. He's the guy who is good friends with the CEO, has his own office, but no one really knows what he does. He likes ogling the inappropriately dressed interns.

DAR-Daughters of the American Revolution. Membership is open to women who can prove lineal bloodline descent from an ancestor who aided in achieving United States independence. You don't have to worry about rubbing shoulders with them just yet...or maybe ever, I'm afraid.

MoMA-Museum of Modern Art. You think that you went there once a field trip or something with your sixth grade class (right around the time your deadbeat dad abandoned you for his Camaro). It's good practice for that art opening we discussed earlier. Friday afternoons offer free admission. I suggest you forget about your friend's band gig for a couple of Fridays. They never start on time and they're not that good anyway. MoMA can do more for your metamorphosis.

ASAP-As Soon As Possible. This military acronym has made its way into the mainstream. Perhaps you could use a little military training yourself. It worked wonders for Judy Benjamin.

What Am I: Art I

Chances are you've spent more time in abandoned buildings (read: crackhouses) with your "friends" in the past year than in museums and galleries. As with all other Mr. Mannerz primers, my goal is to get you up to speed on the finer things in life. While you're an expert in various types of tin foil, needles and pipes, I'm a connoisseur of art, fashion, and food. Mr. Mannerz is not here to judge you or your questionable past. I'm here to help. I'll take it easy with you and start out with more iconic pieces.

a. Untitled 38 by Amelie Gauguin

b. Les Demoiselles d'Avignon by Pablo Picasso

c. Cinq Hos by Jean Valgaultier

d. The Scream by Edvard Munch